My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize