I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she told me i tasted like america
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
