Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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