I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
