The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my shit smells like andre
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize