Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I did not marry a roomba.
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