Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
