there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
