I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
