Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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