weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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