Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
