Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
