my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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