He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
