you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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