your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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