we have officially lost it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
