No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
