Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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