ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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