U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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