What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
