That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
