some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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