My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
