So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
