my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
