apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
