Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize