After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
