i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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