dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
as a side note pls kill me
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
