I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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