I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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