I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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