Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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