I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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