Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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