you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
