Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
