Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
