I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
