someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
