he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
