Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
