Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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