If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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