Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There's even glitter on my cock...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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