halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
