Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize