my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
