My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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