Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
